So I am living with my mom right now.  Its tough.  I am having a hard time with it because all she wants to do is fight and threaten to kick me out.  I am getting a little tired of her being like that.  But it is a roof over my head and I cannot complain.  Although now she is saying I have to be out by the first.  My boyfriend and I want to save but it is tougher for me then for him because I survive on a part-time paycheck.  That makes it difficult sometimes.  But after last night I am going to be broke because I will be adding to the savings NO MATTER WHAT!!!  

My boyfriend has been very understanding about me not being able to contribute.  I am going to be talking to my boss about full-time but I have a feeling that it will be a no go.  I try to snag as many hours as I can when I am there but its hard.  I offer my days off too.  but they don't seem to call.  And getting another job is tough because I do not have a set few days that I can do that. Its a flex schedule so I take what they give me.  I just wish it were more then 20-23 hours.  The pay is not bad...but I need more hours so that I can get on with something new in my life with Dan! 

That is the great thing about Dan. We talked about it and we are following through with it.  I love that about us. We talk and figure it out.  I like this guy alot and I love that we are a couple that actually go out and do things instead of just sitting around doing nothing for an entire day. He is a great guy and I am lucky to have a good guy like this. 

so i am dating someone.  it has been a month {6.11.2012} i think it is going well.  it has had its snags. but due to his ex and the involvement of her.  Dan has an 8 year old boy, Cody! he is a great kid.  i sometimes feel that it is because of me that Dan does not see him that often this summer.  but Dan is assuring me that his ex does this all the time. 

but i am not going to complain about her...she is just the mom of cody as far as i am concerned. i have a great time with Dan. we get along well.  we have funtogether and actually get out.  he does like to do things.  i sometimes feel bad because i am unemployed and i feel bad that he pays for so much.  but i am trying. and it is tough. i have been happy through all the crap i am going through and it is because he helped me find my smile.  he had woken up my flutterbyes and i am very glad about that. we are seeing where this will go and taking it as it comes.  

we met through basically lisa and ovey.  (that is a story in itself)  basically when i was living in Brockton, i was sitting for lisa and ovey and i met Josh (moses) and sam, during game night at lisas! then i finally met Dans ex and her kids. then basically one night dan and moses came and picked me up and i hung out there till ovey got out of work. while i was there, we were all just chatting and the whole time dan was sitting diagonal from me next to his ex..gf at the time though..and all i was doing was looking at him.  then later on after i moved...they broke up, she started dating ovey, i told her i had a slight crush on dan and she said go for it.  so we did and here we are today. 

So i am trying to get back into photography.  i love doing it but i have no motivation. i have been kinda sinking into a depression because i have been looking for a job since the middle of March and i have founf nothing.  it is getting frustrating.  i am trying everywhere.  but i cannot catch a break at all.  i have applied to many places in the last three weeks and i got nothing.  it is quite frustrating.  ugh!

on a new note...really should be a blog in itself...well you know what?  it will be, stay tuned for it...i will blog about it tomorrow i think. 

thanks for taking two minutes to read my jibber-jabber!
Me
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i have had a lot on my mind lately and one thing that i don't want on my mind.  i have been distracted with a lot of things.  he has been stopping by in my head and i am not happy about that.  i wish he would just leave me alone already.  GET OUT!!! 

my mum had hip surgery today and i have never seen her in that sort of pain ever.  she made me cry leaving the hospital tonight.  

i took my placement test for Massasoit yesterday...i had gotten in to Massasoit but i am not quite sure if i am going yet due to the financial aid situation.  ugh so frustrating to have to wait.  but i have to say that the walk from Massasoit to Supreme Donuts was a good one with music in my ears and the sun beaming out of the clouds.  

i am getting a bit frustrated with the whole job hunting thing too.  i am seriously going to consider trying for a nanny job in the Boston area because i can use the train.  also Melissa had the idea and i am liking the idea of a summer nanny job just to get a job and figure things out.  that would work till i go to school {crossed fingers} in the fall.  

that is what i am doing now...focusing on me and not having it in my head that good things can only come for others first.  well i think i have finally found my time.  thank you very much for reading me...if you even do!

i am pretty sure no one reads me. but it is nice to be able to get some things out of my head! i have been hanging out with a good friend lately and helping out with the kids. i am glad to help but am annoyed that i have gotten blown of as for getting paid for the babysitting that i have done. it has been about 2 weeks and i am starting to get frustrated. i know that things are tough..but if you have someone help you out, i think that you should be able to pay what you owe them.

Sometimes I am glad that things ended like this. I feel a little better about myself right now. i have been smiling this week.
catching up! i have found a couple friends that i have lost contact with and have been helping them out. it is nice to know that distance in a friendship can come to a close and everything still seems relatively the same. like riding a bike i suppose. we have chatted and caught up on life and they make me laugh and smile. the kids add to that a bit.
thanks to them and the others that i have in my life i feel that i am able to move on from this and be a better person about it all.
just thought i would get that out of my head! :o)

So i think i may have been a bit pissed when i wrote this. but i had to write it. it needed to get out of my head.

ok...so i have been a good person and have not said anything. but i have to now. WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU????? is what i hear for real? and if so...then how long have you really been with her? i need answers and I DESERVE answers from you because we were together for 7 years Dan. and you let me find out this way? are you kidding. i need you to get the booze out of your hand...the weed out of your system and your dick out of her and sit and let me know what is going on. and what actually happened with us. i know that you were pulling away...you never talked to me. that was a big problem. and for you to tell me that i was holding you back from going out after work is bullshit and you know it. you NEVER gave me a chance with all that. i adapt to things. i would have been fine. knowing that you could have a good time and still be alive in the morning to remember. you have never seen me pissed like this. you never gave me a chance Dan. i adapt to situations. were you ashamed of me? were you scared that i would be bored and you would have to leave from anywhere we went? i was so good to you. i hope that you remember that. i want you to know that you are still a part of me. you obviously know that. i hope you do. and as for age...bullshit. that is just a fucking number...if it bothered you that much you would have said something. i think you were just making excuses. that is what i think. but as for explanation...you say you like to write...well...like i said...put the booze down and sit and write me an email and explain all that you had going on with you so that i can better understand and have closure with this. i want us to get along...but i am not sure that can happen because of the situation and how you are now. you are self destructing and no one wants to help you. regardless if you even want help. i listened when you talked. we had a good thing. i was good to you Dan. you were good to me. 95% of the time. and you know where i am going with that. i just hope that you are not into things that will get you in trouble. i do not want to hear that in two years you are dead because no one saw the self destruction that you are putting on yourself. i hope she care enough to see your bad side.. and not enable it!
March 24 2012

i have moved! i am now living in Brockton and have to now find a job. that will be a challenge. i am going to apply and hope that someone calls and also that they will accommodate the fact that i will be riding a bus and that is the transportation that i have. you would think that Brockton would know and understand that. but some companies don't seem to care. that is frustrating. but i have to thank Jeanette for taking me in and being patient with me. i think she understands what it is going to be like for now. but i will be applying. that is for sure. i am thinking of posting an ad for babysitting too. as long as i can get there.

on a new note...i have been having dreams and remembering some of them. i have been remembering some things...and the somethings i remember are that Dan has been in every one of my dreams for about two weeks. that is strange to me. but what can i do? its a subconscious things i guess. haha

sometimes i wonder why it happened to me? i am not appreciated like i should be. i am a good person to everyone in my life and still people treat me as though i am a bad person. what did i do to deserve the loneliness? i feel as though it is something i did to make it happen. today i sit in the window and i wonder. i have something good happen after all the bad and the one person i want to go to wants nothing to do with me. i hope that some day soon that will change and we can be the friends that i know we have become. you are the light in my day sometimes. i say good night to you every night and wonder if you even think about me and us and remember that what we had was real and full of love. i look at photos of you and i truly see love in your eyes. i hope that the love is not a fairy tale and that somewhere inside you there is still a bit of love for me. that love is hard to just throw away. and i know that you know what you mean to me. i just sometimes wish you could see that you are a great guy. you deserve to be with love. you are not what you see yourself as. anger is something you can control and love is something that you can believe in. so please know that love is out there. i should take my own advice sometimes and know that i am going to find that but i had it with you and it is so hard to just let it go and know that it was.

So I finally got out! I am done with her and all the drama that came with her. she is a scumbag and all she thinks about is herself and her kids are always second. she makes it seem that she loves her kids and they are her life....all lies! she sucks. just thought i would put that out there!

so Dan and I broke up. i think it was a coward way to get out of it and i think he was trying to do it the easy way. i love him. it will not change. i am just hoping that everything will calm down and he will soon want to be a friend. not talking to him everyday is very difficult. i need him in my life. not in the way a girl needs her lover but in the way that he had been a best friend to me for the last almost 7 years. i am a girl that needs the friends that come into her life. it is important for me to have the ones that i care about in my life because they are special. he is not an evil person and i do not hate HIM...i hate what he did and his cowardness. that is sad to me that he did not have the nerve to talk to me a while ago about how he was feeling. i have been feeling him pull away. he has been for a while i just love him to much to have actually call him on it.

TO ALL MEN OUT THERE...IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH THE ONE YOU ARE WITH....TALK TO THEM AND END IT...DO NOT DO SOMETHING STUPID TO COP OUT OF IT. THAT IS A COWARD MOVE AND EVEN THE SMARTEST MAN BECOMES A MORON.

LOVE WHAT YOU HAVE AND REALIZE THAT WHAT YOU HAVE IS SPECIAL. I WAS NOTHING BUT GOOD TO HIM. I LOVE YOU DAN. THAT WILL NOT CHANGE. AND I HOPE THAT ONE DAY YOU WILL KNOW THAT I WILL BE THERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU WANT A FRIEND. I DO NOT TURN MY BACK ON A FRIEND.

sometimes i wonder why i bother? the girls have a few sniffles and i have to wait till their dad gets them tomorrow to get my stuff done. that is frustrating. its a walk. its not like i am walking a marathon with them. it is just to the center and back. i take the girls with me when i have to go to the bank and the library. they enjoy it. it makes me mad when i have to wait till like 3 to get my stuff done. that is frustrating because i could get it all done and the girls can get books but now they can't. the parents of these girls have no consideration to what i have to do when i have the girls. if i have to stay home all the time with them...i would not get anything done till the weekend and i can't get to a bank on saturday. its not very fair to me. i am not being selfish. i am taking advantage of the nice weather while it is here because when we do finally get all the crap weather then i will be stuck inside all the time. and that makes for some moody kids and a pissed off Emily.

on a new note. i am going to have another good weekend i think. Dan and i get to spend Saturday together. the entire day. i am so excited about that. it has been a long time since we have had that. which means i will be with him from Friday at about 12 midnight to about 1130am on Sunday. and then it is F-O-O-T-B-A-L-L time. that is right...the Patriots are in the Superbowl and we are gonna see what they bring this time.

i have had a cold...it has actually kicked my ass this time. all i want to do is sleep! i am using a box of tissues up in two days. that is so much. i am going to have to say that when i have a cold...i prefer Puffs with lotion then any other tissue. ((see this is so going to be a random blog that is for sure)).

So this weekend was a good one. Dan and i went to Gillette for the send off of the Patriots. although it was a bit chilly we had a good time. it was worth it. we had an enjoyable weekend. one of the best so far in the new year. sometimes it is all we need.
as for Gillette. Dan has never been and i was the one he experienced it with. it was great. to see his face when he was in there for the first time was great. it makes me smile to find things to do with Dan that makes him happy. things have been tough for the both of us and having two days with out stress was good. it was a good weekend. i love having weekends like that.
we just hung out and were happy and loved every minute of it. and i love that it was a good weekend for him. i love to make him happy. it is something i believe that everyone deserves.
Happiness seems to be something we have to work for these days. and if you find it you seem to have to hold on to it tight or it can just slip away from you and you have to fight to find it all over again. love seems to be the same. hold on to what you have and make the best of it.

Today was a good day. Dan and I got a few things done and we are going to make a day of it together again tomorrow. that will be a good day. today we went to a.c.moore and i got a few things. then we did some food shopping and after chilling at home for about an hour, we headed to DW Field and walked around for a bit and i took a few photos! it was a nice time. i love when dan and i actually spend time and its something out of the house. i wish we would do it more often though. although when the weekend comes we both become so lazy and want to just chill at home and really do nothing. but i am hoping that when the nice weather gets here we will for sure do more things that i will capture in photography. basically i am going to chalk this up to a good day!

Today is going to be a photography walk to the center. i am going to snap photos while i walk to see a friend. i have nothing to get in the center but i feel like walking and taking advantage of this unusually grand day in the middle of winter. thank you mother nature for liking us this year.

So I am thinking I should blog more so that I can get my frustration out at the end of the day. this is going to be a random blog. i may go all over the place. but it is a good way to let go of all the stress and frustration of the day. and believe me, i have a lot that i could let go at the end of a day.