so it has been a while since i have blogged and i am hoping to get back in the swing of it.  i have one follower and that is all i have.  i am sure that no one really reads my stuff so i am not so worried about what i say.  although i will not use names in this thing as that can cause issues if some decide to actually follow this thing.  i am just trying to do it to get things out of my head and maybe show off some photography! i love photography by the way! 

this photo is a photo i took when i was with my friends in New Bedford...or in the area of New Bedford.  I love flowers and these happen to be my favorite! i love the colors and i love that they are lasting.  i love the all yellow ones but sometimes, once in a while, i love the two color ones.
i went to Fairhaven as well that day.  i have taken photos of this high school many times but i love the angle of this one.  it was a beautiful day for photography.  and my friends do it as well.  well she does.  he will get behind a camera once in a while but she seems to love it just like i do! i love the angles that i took the flag shot.  i have a thing for flowers and americana themes.  its  a strange thing to me. i would love to do portraits but none of the people that want me to take photos ever follow through with me and get back to me about it. 

so this is me and my camera. i love it. let me tell you a bit about me!!  i love photography.  i love kids.  kids and photography go so well together.  and i love meeting new people.  i am all around a nice person till you tick me off in some way! but other then that i am a friendly person. 

i have just gotten two, yes you read right, two new jobs.  i work for Quirk Chevrolet in Braintree MA in the office and i also work at Dunkin' Donuts across the street in Braintree from the Quirk! it is very easy for me to get to work so that is a huge bonus!  i am glad to have found the jobs. it will be a challenge for me because i have never done two jobs..well i babysat and worked but babysitting is a great thing.  i love it.  but it will be nice to have the two incomes.  i may just be able to save some cash.  that has always been an issue with me.  i cannot save for anything. well i guess that is not true.  i did save for my apartment but had someone else helping.  but other then that i cannot save for a thing.  so it will be nice. i will be able to have something for me and know that i earned it.  my goal is to find a place that i can call mine.  i think it is about time for ME! 
that is all i have for today because i have to go to work! yup! time to do the work thing.  well get ready anyhoo. 
Have a great day! 

so because i am who i am i have had a lot on my fricking mind.  it is so frustrating.  sometimes i just need to know what is going on. i want it to be better. walking on eggshells here is not my way of living. someone can be pissed and i should be fine with it with no explanation. i worry about a lot.  i have bills and house shit and work/job applications to worry about.  i am sick of worrying.  it is wearing me out and i am sick of it.  and along with all that worrying...i have to wonder about things.  you say something...then a few days later you tell me that you are sorry and i get a kiss.  i think everything is alright...but i am still confused and i don't know what to do with that. and now i am not sure what we are.  we could be one thing but i am not sure. you are not one to talk about shit.  that is frustrating.  you need to communicate and know that i am not here to judge you or criticize you for anything you do..but a relationship is a two way road.  i am here for you...it is you and me if you want it.  don't run away with a bump in the road.  you have to be willing to hit the speed bumps to get where you want to be.  things are tough and you get upset because you think that i am not motivated to do what i need to do.  i can only do so much on my end and they have to do their part after i am done.  you are the one person that i thought would understand how hard it is right now trying to get something new.  you are trying to and i have not judged you for not getting what you want.  you tried and didn't get what you needed.  i never said you were not motivated.  i have done nothing but stand by you and know that you are trying your best with what you have.

please don't walk away from something that is fixable with the time you put into it.  i am willing to do what i can to fix it but i have to have help. 

my heart is yours if and when you want it.  i will let you in..i have let you in despite how fragile my heart is.  and i know you know what that is like.  you have told me. 

some say that you can just let the heart love who it wants. well that is super true. you cannot chose what your heart desires.  i gave my heart to someone in 2005 and in 2012 he stomped all over it and dug the knife further in after two months. but you know what?  i found someone that i have a good time with and that can make me laugh even when i don't feel like i can. he is a great dad and a great man. although he says it is a figment of my imagination and a perception that i want to have...i believe it to be true.  if i did not i would not be with him..sure we fight..well i am not sure if that what we do is actually fighting because i never hear him fight. i don't half the time know what the issue is and i guess he gets over it with time.  but if i am not informed as to why he is upset...i cannot fix the issue and change what i am doing..which in the end means that i could potentially do it again. and that is not what i want to do. i want him to know that i truly care about him and that it was not easy for me to let someone in and let them take care of my heart.  it is a damaged heart because i put everything i had into the previous relationship and i had to really know that i could trust and care for someone to let them in like i have with you...i am now talking to you because apparently this is the only way i can do it right now. my heart is a very precious thing that i own.  i do not need it to break again so harshly.  it cannot take that kind of pain.  i know you know what i am talking about because you have had a relationship that may have made you question if you could let someone else love it like the prior relationship.  i get that!  its tough. loving someone and hoping that they don't take that love for granted is a tough thing to do.  i am here trying to be a great thing for you...but i cannot figure it out sometimes.  i try. i am a good person but i have to know when i do something that is not liked.  or it will happen again and it will strain the love that i have for you.  i have fallen for you and i hope that you know that.  it is tough for me to say the words and i had to make sure that i was ready and that my heart was ready to make that leap again.  sometimes i wonder if i will ever have something where it is a mutual liking but sometimes i do get that feeling that i will forever be alone and that i will make the one i want to be with run away.  it is something of a fear of mine...i fear of being alone.  i do not want to be alone.  but i realize that sometimes being with someone means giving space but i also know that being with someone requires trust.  and i trust you but i need you to be honest with me.  if you wanna go out and be with your friends...just flippin tell me.  i will not be upset..i will just wish i had a friend circle to hang out with.  and i don't have that because of my trust issues.  and i keep so many with me that i know i can trust.  you have become one of those people to me.  i love you and i want it not to be something that you are uncomfortable with.  that made me sad when i asked you if you liked hearing it and you said no.  it took a lot for me to finally open my heart and it was all for you.  so think about that and know that my love is not just a word!

so today Dan and i are looking at a place. i hope we both like it. its is in Braintree and i think it would be perfect if we found something in Braintree because he works in Braintree and i work in Quincy but i like taking the bus for some rather odd reason. i guess it lets me take time to think and observe people.  its not a bad situation although the timing thing does stink a bit..i might one day be just on time for work or about an hour early...but its all good to me. you never know if that day i get there early they let me start working which becomes a plus for me.  yay! so this place is by a realtor so i am not sure if that is gonna cost us a fee.  that would suck..but it does not hurt to look at the place.  we need to do all we can to find something.

Monday i will call Brockton and see where that leads me. who knows. Dan says call them and we will go from there.  its tough. i guess all we can do is what we are doing and looking and calling around.  but i am going to blog a bit more when i get home from work and let y'all know what i thought of it and i may even have a couple photos. =)

damn broker fee. holy crap. half a months rent. that is crazee. so we walked out. that sucks. this is tough. i want a place..i wish studio apartments allowed for a couple to live there.  this is redonkulous!  so frustrating. something has to be out there. grr. 

this is just a mini snip of an entry because i have to get ready for an extra shift at work...that is always a good thing.

so i called about a place in braintree and dan and i are going to be looking at it tomorrow at noon.  that might be a good thing because it is $1050 with ALL included! i also had to leave a message for another place in quincy and i will be waiting for that call back. i called brockton HD and have to call back on Monday to talk to the HR manager. i will call...i just don't know if its really what i want but i have to do what i have to do.

MORE TO COME LATER I AM SURE!!!

so i know i am about two hours late on the January 3, 2013 blog...i was working and i went to see Les Mis with a good new friend. it was a great movie. but work was all pushy people...and i have to say a certain someone needs to get the stick out of their ass before someone makes it a point to say "if you don't like your job...quit and stop pawning things off to others when you are the one that can help".  that is why you are asked a question.  it is your job to be the one to help. if i don't get answers then i will ask you...! 

i know its not much but i am super tired and i really do need to go to sleep. i will be updating tomorrow with  what i have actually been up to this week.  hoping good things come of the things i have to do!

so work went on a firing spree and fired three friends of mine.  all great employees, but two should not have really been fired and the third just did it to themselves...no one to blame really. so that was really the big thing at work...although...i have noticed that people working retail tend to just eventually do whatever they want. i am one that can work and not need a break...after like four hours is really when you should get a break anyhoo..so when i do a four hour shift...i don't mind not getting a break. but there are some that have to have one and think that it is alright to extend it and just take as long as they want....i am not gonna lie...i have taken a 20 minute break before but it is usually when i get a phone call and i am trying to get off...but i laugh when that happens because ( for example ) i am not a smoker...and smokers that work there tend to get more breaks then say i would. they need to step out for a minute..which actually equals 5. whatever...but if my break goes over by five...all hell breaks. not really but most know what i am talking about. whatever. 

i am looking for a place with my boyfriend.  that is going to stress me out...it already is...actually! but i know that we will find something but i really would like to be in this area. but i have a feeling that we may end up in Brockton. i have to call the brockton HD and hope that they have a place for me there. but i cannot count on it. we will see. that is more stress right there. 
as for actually finding places...i have emailed one place and actually it was one that Dan emailed to so it actually looks like we are interested. two emails from the same email? that would tell you that the person really is interested in the place.  i almost want to get on the bus on Friday and see if there is a number to call on the place itself.  who knows.  

well that is my blog for today. i don't have much but it is something everyday. just to get it out of my head. its better to get it out of your head then to let it stew and bother you till you burst and lash out at the wrong person.  that would suck.

another long night

so insomnia is gonna kick my ass. (oh did i mention that i don't swear normally but in this blog...its whatever is on my mind)  i try hard to be asleep @ a decent hour but it never fails...no luck! i took Brandy's advice and take melatonin and it does wonders, only i tend to take it AFTER i should have been asleep.  and i keep finding shows on Netflix. right now it is West Wing. yup (randomness alert) 

things i will blog about and this is the main one i think...MY JOB!  i like being a cashier @ Home Depot 2608 or QII as Quincy folks like to call us. but i could do with the lack of hours that they have been giving me. i have a good availability but they still only give me about 20-25...maybe 30 (if its a good week) then i find out that another cashier is leaving and that she has offered up her hours to everyone but me.  i finally said something and she says "you NEVER asked". and how the hell am i supposed to ask?? especially if i do not know that you are leaving on the account that i do not work the same shift as you? dur! but i am sure that she has seen my "please let me know if you need me earlier" notes to my FES(front.end.supervisor) or the HC(head.cashier).

FYI.......
names @ HD are not ever going to show up on this blog! if you read this and you work with me...and you know who is being spoken about...leave it here. kudos to you for figuring it out but causing work issues is not a good call on your part.  

many people have ways of venting...well this is going to be mine. let me have this one thing. 

**this blog may get two entries depending on what i am doing for the day...if i work...oh you know its getting two.**

observation is something that i enjoy doing...i will be posting photos on here because it is something i love to do. and putting it together with writing a blog just seemed like something i should do.  

**so good morning or good night depending on how you interpret midnight!**

So today is the first day of twenty thirteen.  i am already not a fan. i started off my first day of the year next to my boyfriend...the only thing going for me. then it all went downhill from there. i get to work...and had to talk to someone that i am having issues with...(issues not solved). i apparently don't act my age. whatever. i know i don't...i like it that way.  but when you are listening to other people...you are never going to get the right information unless you actually go to the source of the story. that is how things should be. people want to add what they want to make a story better.  so i am done. i am not going to talk to people unless it is necessary.  i do not go to work to make friends. i go to work for the paycheck because i have to make money to live. (but that is another story all together)  
and now i have my cousins baby momma and gf upset with me about something said at Christmas. I have said two things about her and here they are. 1. when i first met her years ago, she showed up at uncle johnnys with her boyfriend (my cousin) and with my other cousin (his brother) and his gf. thats fine. but they were high...maybe not all of them...maybe i was wrong...but they all reeked of weed and i know high when i see it. and 2. i have tried to keep in touch with her via FB but i never get a response. that is all. and now i have apparently said something about her and her son. would never bad mouth someone that i hardly know and for sure never a child. 
so maybe for 2013 i should get my mouth wired shut so that i cannot talk and nothing that i have (not) said will be misinterpreted! that seems to happen to me alot. i am all done.  no talking for me. and once that happens people will think that there is something wrong with me because i am usually outgoing and loud (not gonna lie). 
i love my family and i love my friends..but i need to know that i can be able to be myself without having to document everything i have ever said to anyone.  that is not what i am about.  i am who i am...if you don't like me...? have a reason and let me know.  that is all. 
so to you 2013...please let the next 364 days be better then your first. 
thanks for a bad start to my new year!