Sometimes I am glad that things ended like this. I feel a little better about myself right now. i have been smiling this week.
catching up! i have found a couple friends that i have lost contact with and have been helping them out. it is nice to know that distance in a friendship can come to a close and everything still seems relatively the same. like riding a bike i suppose. we have chatted and caught up on life and they make me laugh and smile. the kids add to that a bit.
thanks to them and the others that i have in my life i feel that i am able to move on from this and be a better person about it all.
just thought i would get that out of my head! :o)

So i think i may have been a bit pissed when i wrote this. but i had to write it. it needed to get out of my head.

ok...so i have been a good person and have not said anything. but i have to now. WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU????? is what i hear for real? and if so...then how long have you really been with her? i need answers and I DESERVE answers from you because we were together for 7 years Dan. and you let me find out this way? are you kidding. i need you to get the booze out of your hand...the weed out of your system and your dick out of her and sit and let me know what is going on. and what actually happened with us. i know that you were pulling away...you never talked to me. that was a big problem. and for you to tell me that i was holding you back from going out after work is bullshit and you know it. you NEVER gave me a chance with all that. i adapt to things. i would have been fine. knowing that you could have a good time and still be alive in the morning to remember. you have never seen me pissed like this. you never gave me a chance Dan. i adapt to situations. were you ashamed of me? were you scared that i would be bored and you would have to leave from anywhere we went? i was so good to you. i hope that you remember that. i want you to know that you are still a part of me. you obviously know that. i hope you do. and as for age...bullshit. that is just a fucking number...if it bothered you that much you would have said something. i think you were just making excuses. that is what i think. but as for explanation...you say you like to write...well...like i said...put the booze down and sit and write me an email and explain all that you had going on with you so that i can better understand and have closure with this. i want us to get along...but i am not sure that can happen because of the situation and how you are now. you are self destructing and no one wants to help you. regardless if you even want help. i listened when you talked. we had a good thing. i was good to you Dan. you were good to me. 95% of the time. and you know where i am going with that. i just hope that you are not into things that will get you in trouble. i do not want to hear that in two years you are dead because no one saw the self destruction that you are putting on yourself. i hope she care enough to see your bad side.. and not enable it!
March 24 2012

i have moved! i am now living in Brockton and have to now find a job. that will be a challenge. i am going to apply and hope that someone calls and also that they will accommodate the fact that i will be riding a bus and that is the transportation that i have. you would think that Brockton would know and understand that. but some companies don't seem to care. that is frustrating. but i have to thank Jeanette for taking me in and being patient with me. i think she understands what it is going to be like for now. but i will be applying. that is for sure. i am thinking of posting an ad for babysitting too. as long as i can get there.

on a new note...i have been having dreams and remembering some of them. i have been remembering some things...and the somethings i remember are that Dan has been in every one of my dreams for about two weeks. that is strange to me. but what can i do? its a subconscious things i guess. haha